Other Instrument Jokes

[scapino]

Other Instrument Jokes

Jose and the Bean stock (an abridged version of a Danny Kaye monologue from the early 60's)

Jose and he's mother very poor. Mama, she used to a musician in California but she can't work no more, she left her harp in San Francisco. So mama she tell Jose to sell dicow. Jose, he was very proud when he return with the beans but hees mama say, "mama mia, my son, my son how coulda you sell dicow for da beans. Jose, he say, "but mama you ain't Italian, dey's magic beans". "Magic beans" mama say as she throw dibeans out the weendow.

Dinext morning outside Jose's weendow was a very very beeg giant beanstalk. Jose he climb to the top of the bery bery beeg giant beanstalk. Jose he find at the top of the bery bery beeg giant beanstalk a bery, bery, beeg giant. Digiant he try to hit Jose, but he dodge diblow. Digiant he try to hit Jose a with giant club , but again Jose he dodge diblow. Digiant he thro a giant pitcher at Jose but Jose he run away, 'cause everybody know, a dodger can't beat a giant pitcher.

[bearphonium]

Other Instrument Jokes

Oboe: An ill woodwind that no one blows good.

[euphdude]

Other Instrument Jokes

Question: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?


Answer: You take offf your shoes to jump on the trampoline.




Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.


Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.


Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.


Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.


Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two oboists reading off the same part.

[Kurfie549]

Other Instrument Jokes

why cant gorillas play trumpet??



they are too sensitive

[ERocky]

Other Instrument Jokes

What do you call a clarinet dipped in nuclear waste?

An Oboe



What do you call a bad idea?

attempting to get a woodwind quartet featuring a oboe, flute, alto saxophone, and bari saxophone to play in tune

[heatherowl]

Other Instrument Jokes

How are a violist and lightning similar?

They don't strike in the same place twice



How do you know when a soprano is at the door?

They don't have a key and they don't know when to come in



What happens when a trombone's kid goes to the playground?

They can't swing and they don't know how to use the slide.

[FuriousGeorge]

Other Instrument Jokes

When I played baritone in my universities marching band we made up a song. I can't remember the name of the tune. The horn section was always going around shouting "Horns Rule!", so we mocked them a little bit. It goes like this:

I’m glad I don’t play trombone, they always slip and slide.

And if I played the piccolo, I’d run away and hide.

I’m glad I don’t play tuba, they carry too much weight.

I used to play the trumpet, but I couldn’t get a date.



Chorus: So I switched to the baritone, switched to the baritone,

I switched to the baritone, don’t you wish you could too!



If I were in the drumline, they’d harness up my back

And if I played the clarinet, my mother would say “Ack!!!”

And if I played the French horn, I’d sit around and drool (horns drool!).

And If I played the saxophone, I wouldn’t have this pool!*

Repeat chorus



**We sang this song while sitting in a swimming pool we set up in a pickup truck. Not the greatest line, but this one was made up on the spot. The original line was even dumber! There was a verse about the drum major and the conductor, but I can't remember it now.

[RickF]

Other Instrument Jokes

Being a band director is like being in charge of a cemetery.

You have a lot of people under you but no one is listening.

[fmanola]

Other Instrument Jokes

Originally posted by: RickF

Being a band director is like being in charge of a cemetery.

You have a lot of people under you but no one is listening.

You can look on the bright side, though: "The trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised, incorruptible"

[RickF]

Got this in an email today...

[davewerden]

Good one, Rick - thanks for the chuckle!

[David Bloss]

Stolen from a better known musician, so you get 5 bonus points if you identify where they were stolen from ...

1) Definition of a trombone: A wind-powered, manually operated pitch approximator.

2) Know what the bulb on the end of an English Horn is? Just plant one, fertilize and water well, and a new oboe grows.

3) How to make a piccolo: Once a year, upon the first pressing of this year's crop of olive oil in Italy, large vats are gathered and set on a huge bonfire. Local musicians gather up all their old flutes (good for nothing else anyways) and boil them in the vats of oil. The flutes shrink into piccolos. This is known as a Mediterranean flute fry.

[David Bloss]

You know that bulb on the bottom of an English horn? It's really an oboe seed. Plant it and an oboe grows. An English horn is just a fully mature oboe.

[David Bloss]

Where do piccolos come from?

Once a year, along the Italian coast, the first pressing of extra virgin olive oil is dumped in huge vats and set over giant bonfires on the beaches. Locals gather up all the flutes that have been irritating them over the last year and throw them into the boiling oil. The flutes shrink down into piccolos.;

This is known as a Mediterranean Flute Fry.

[David Bloss]

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!